12/17/15 2:02am

Again I have to go through the same process of feeling like I'm not good enough. This feeling is so horrible. I really feel bad for anyone that has to go through these feelings of sadness, anxiety, hatred, and feeling like they're worth nothing. Of course I don't feel all these emotions. Maybe just sadness & a little anxiety. I think the worst part of feeling this way everyday is not being able to hold in my emotions the way I want to. When I see or hear some shit I wasn't suppose to know about, I just start crying out of nowhere. It's weird cause inside of me I'm yelling at myself, "STOP CRYING PAM!" It never seems to work though because I continue to cry until it hurts to breathe. I continue until the tears from my eyes burn my cheeks. When I finally stop it's like.. so pathetic y'know? Like should I really be crying this much for a guy? A guy I was with for almost three years? Hmm maybe. I just don't understand how someone can break up with someone & want to jump back into a relationship so quickly. It's strange to me. What I would like to know is why guys think I'm stupid? This isn't the 1900's, I can find almost anything online. You see, I knew he was going to call me telling me that he "just couldn't do it anymore." That he wanted a break. I knew what girl he was pursuing next. Yet I let it happen knowing damn well how it would end. So what did I do? I did everything I could've possibly done. I expressed all my feelings (which I rarely do to people.) But the thing is once his mind was made up, it didn't matter what I had to say. That's why part of me doesn't believe when someone says "I love you." Like do you really ? Or do you just say that when your overwhelmed with emotions. Cause it hasn't even been a month since you officially broke with me & now you, " Can't wait to start the new year." with her. Think I didn't know? I've been knew. I didn't need to see it to know. I just knew it. You see the thing is, I hate that your doing this but if for some reason you were to forget her & ask to be with me again, I would take you back in a heartbeat. Sometimes I think to myself, " I wonder who really loves the other person more?" Cause you claimed to have all this love for me but yet your getting yourself ready to be with another girl. Maybe I just don't understand this love thing. Which is why I won't go looking around for it. I know what I want. & since I can't have it, I feel like I'm trapped feeling this way until I reach the point where I no longer care about any of this. I guess I will continue to feel like this for a while because like I told him before, " You liked the artist before the creation." I take that very serious especially when I learned more about makeup & would post selfies. I liked all the compliments at first but after awhile, it was like I was numb. I kept telling myself that all these people didn't like me. They just liked what I did to my face. It got worse when guys would private message me. At first, I would say thank you & tell them I wasn't looking for any relationship y'know? trying to be nice and what not. But again, after awhile I got used to it & now I don't even bother to look at the message. You see, with him it was different. I remember that day like it happened yesterday. That's why I fell for him. Why I'm still miserably head over heels for him. I even spoke to my mother about it. Told her the whole situation & I think she could see that I really cared for him because she said," Okay, but I need to have a few words with him." My heart was so happy. So excited. & so I grab my phone as quickly as possible & sent a message only to get a reply back that said he wouldn't be able to even see my message cause he blocked me. That was when I stopped trying to contact him. Now I just keep an eye out I guess.