*Sentimental*

I swear I am just a nocturnal human being. There's just something about the night that ignites a spark in my brain that allows me to speak freely. I feel like I can say whatever I want here. To me, it's like discovering a deserted cave where you can openly say whatever comes to mind. It's beautiful. Anyways, today I found my old laptop & I quickly charged it to see if it still turned on. It did. I began to click on random things like iTunes just to see what music I used to listen to. But after that, I looked through my old pictures & I sat there, staring at the screen. It was a reminiscing moment. As I clicked on through, the emotions were evident. I started thinking to myself, " Thank god for pictures." I probably wouldn't remember as much without them. I also thought to myself, " Memories are powerful." How they can make you relive that moment, is remarkable. Soon I felt a slight pain in my chest & an unsettling feeling in my belly like my body knew something & was trying to tell me. Telling me that it was you. That no matter what, you could never really be gone. Telling me that I could not wish you away & made it clear that I still needed you. Yes, needed you & loved you. It was like trying to find something I knew I lost. Today. A day of nostalgia.

You Only Hear What You Like

Hello fellow readers! As you already know, I love writing about my random thoughts at night. I guess tonight I got my inspiration when I noticed it was officially my cousin Genesis's birthday & I texted her, " Happy birthday." I swear, I get my inspiration from any little thing. *Munches down on a pizza* " Oooh,  maybe I should write something tonight on my blog!" I'm so weird but that's how my brain works I guess.  Throughout these several weeks, I've been traveling to different places & I love it! It's been fun but honestly it's been more of a distraction for me which I'm okay with. Without all these trips, I'd probably just be home thinking about the day I found out my father died or thinking about how stressful things are going to be since school begins in less than a month or thinking about how my opinions as a female aren't valued or considered. Yeah, who wants to think about that? I feel like as I grow older, I see the world more clearer. Instead of assuming the worst in people, I stop & ask why.  What was their motive? People don't do things for no reason. As I approach the new semester, it feels like I have all the time in the world to think about how my influences effect others. When in reality I don't have much time at all. What I want to get across is that I'm different & not many people understand that. I mean, there was this guy who basically thought I was pretty but never spoke to me because he thought I was mean. I guess my resting bitch face is to blame. There's this other guy that is trying to be best friends with my mom because he likes me but is afraid to speak with me after I shared some of my thoughts about drinking and smoking hookah. I feel like nowadays people just don't understand. It's about character. It's about listening to someone else's thoughts and say, "Do I agree with this person?" "Do I like how this person thinks?" But it's never about that. Nowadays it seems like everyone is yearning for some kind of emotional connection & they are so quick to teach what they want to say. My problem is that nobody is really listening.

Enjoy What You Have

At night I feel like I could write a book if I wanted. My mind just begins coming up with creative ideas and things I want to express. So let me start first by expressing my thoughts. Lately, I've been seeing a lot of girls announcing their pregnancies on Facebook. I, for one don't care because I feel as though it's such a common thing now. I started thinking about how many girls I knew who were pregnant and realized that half of the girls I graduated with have a kid or kids. Then I realized that most of them are no longer with their baby daddys. I began to see a pattern with most of the girls. They no longer posted pictures with or of their "bae" but they did post more pictures of their child. (Which makes sense. I mean, who wouldn't?) It brought me to my final thought which was, I don't want to end up like that. I don't want to be a part of the "trend" of getting pregnant & having to take care of another human being right now. Why, you ask?  Because I want to graduate from college so I can work at a job that makes me happy. So that when I find the right man,  we can explore different places we've always wanted to go. So that when were ready to settle down & have a family,  we will be financially ready to have a child or children. I don't know but in my mind, it sounds like the right thing to do. So why don't other people do it?  If you haven't noticed we as humans are eager creatures whether we know that or not. For example: If the iPhone 7 comes out, everyone wants it. No one really cares what about the specific new features on it. They just see that it's bigger & prettier and so they want it. They can't wait for it to be available. Now lets fast forward months after its been available to the public. You bought the iPhone 7 but you're used to it now and you don't have that exciting feeling you did when it first came out. That, my friend is a love for having possessions & materialistic things. Now, were all guilty of it. I think just like were eager for the new iPhone 7, we are eager for other things like having a child or getting into relationships. It's all the same thing. When you have a child you start thinking about dressing them with cute clothes, feeding them and watching them grow. But we realize after a while that it's a lot of work & it's not what it seems. Which is why we should take our time and not rush into things. Enjoy what you have instead of desiring what you don't have. I'm sorry if this offends anyone. It's times like this where I feel as though I have to speak my mind (which I rarely do) but if you are offended, don't take it to heart. Just stating my opinions and observations.

Sweet sweet things!

I'm so excited! Today I received a gift from my friend Sara. I got to my room only to see a box from Bath & Body Works & I figured it was from her because 1. I never ordered anything from there & 2. Sara told me to look out for something special in the mail in the next few days. She's so sweet! She got me my favorite scent which is Sweet Pea. It smells so good! & it came with a small cute bag (which I'm using to put chapstick or anything small really)

It's kind of funny cause I went to the mall last weekend with my mother & we went to Bath & Body Works & I bought a collection of body wash and body spray called WinterberryWonder. It smells so good! Like berries. I basically spray it all over my body so everyone can smell the sweet goodness lol.

Finally today I went shopping at Ross & I bought a sweet smelling Yankee candle called Sweet pea. How ironic. Now it matches with the gift Sara bought me. They had so many different scents for the yankee candles. Of course my mom wanted the pear smelling one but we agreed on the sweet pea! Now I can't wait to light up the candle & make my room smell like my favorite scent too (:

12/17/15 2:02am

Again I have to go through the same process of feeling like I'm not good enough. This feeling is so horrible. I really feel bad for anyone that has to go through these feelings of sadness, anxiety, hatred, and feeling like they're worth nothing. Of course I don't feel all these emotions. Maybe just sadness & a little anxiety. I think the worst part of feeling this way everyday is not being able to hold in my emotions the way I want to. When I see or hear some shit I wasn't suppose to know about, I just start crying out of nowhere. It's weird cause inside of me I'm yelling at myself, "STOP CRYING PAM!" It never seems to work though because I continue to cry until it hurts to breathe. I continue until the tears from my eyes burn my cheeks. When I finally stop it's like.. so pathetic y'know? Like should I really be crying this much for a guy? A guy I was with for almost three years? Hmm maybe. I just don't understand how someone can break up with someone & want to jump back into a relationship so quickly. It's strange to me. What I would like to know is why guys think I'm stupid? This isn't the 1900's, I can find almost anything online. You see, I knew he was going to call me telling me that he "just couldn't do it anymore." That he wanted a break. I knew what girl he was pursuing next. Yet I let it happen knowing damn well how it would end. So what did I do? I did everything I could've possibly done. I expressed all my feelings (which I rarely do to people.) But the thing is once his mind was made up, it didn't matter what I had to say. That's why part of me doesn't believe when someone says "I love you." Like do you really ? Or do you just say that when your overwhelmed with emotions. Cause it hasn't even been a month since you officially broke with me & now you, " Can't wait to start the new year." with her. Think I didn't know? I've been knew. I didn't need to see it to know. I just knew it. You see the thing is, I hate that your doing this but if for some reason you were to forget her & ask to be with me again, I would take you back in a heartbeat. Sometimes I think to myself, " I wonder who really loves the other person more?" Cause you claimed to have all this love for me but yet your getting yourself ready to be with another girl. Maybe I just don't understand this love thing. Which is why I won't go looking around for it. I know what I want. & since I can't have it, I feel like I'm trapped feeling this way until I reach the point where I no longer care about any of this. I guess I will continue to feel like this for a while because like I told him before, " You liked the artist before the creation." I take that very serious especially when I learned more about makeup & would post selfies. I liked all the compliments at first but after awhile, it was like I was numb. I kept telling myself that all these people didn't like me. They just liked what I did to my face. It got worse when guys would private message me. At first, I would say thank you & tell them I wasn't looking for any relationship y'know? trying to be nice and what not. But again, after awhile I got used to it & now I don't even bother to look at the message. You see, with him it was different. I remember that day like it happened yesterday. That's why I fell for him. Why I'm still miserably head over heels for him. I even spoke to my mother about it. Told her the whole situation & I think she could see that I really cared for him because she said," Okay, but I need to have a few words with him." My heart was so happy. So excited. & so I grab my phone as quickly as possible & sent a message only to get a reply back that said he wouldn't be able to even see my message cause he blocked me. That was when I stopped trying to contact him. Now I just keep an eye out I guess.

Random Makeover!

Hello lovelies! On Thursday I had my wisdom teeth removed. Everyone I spoke to before the surgery said it would be " the most painful experience I will go through" but luckily I didn't feel a thing haha. It's been the fourth day & I have yet to feel any pain. The surgery was quick & painless. Anyways, the only thing that I hate about having my wisdom teeth being taken out is that I can't sleep normally. I can't eat certain foods & it's very sad. But anyways, my cousin came over my house today & I asked her if she wanted me to do her makeup & she said yes.

Here is the end result :

Well that's all for today's post. Thanks for reading & see you soon! ♥‿♥

 

What I bought today ! ❤

 Today I went to the mall with my mother to buy some sneakers for work & we stopped at several other stores to buy some things that were on sale. I bought this cute peach collection at "Bath & Body Works". I'm into fruity smelling things so I really love the smell of this collection. I should've got the lotion since all of these products were are on sale but I've noticed that I never finish using the lotion bottles. On the right, I also bought another body spray since my mother needed to buy a couple more since the price was so low. So I got this one called "Mad About You" & I can't really define the smell but it still smells good too.

Then I bought some things at "Victoria Secret" since my mother had so many saved up coupons, it benefited us. Victoria Secret has a new matte lipstick crayon line & I tried it on when I got home & the color came out a pigmented pink but nonetheless I think this color can be used for the summer or on a special event. Lastly, I bought a bra. One of the workers that worked at Victoria Secret said that the bra I bought was the most comfortable in the store & boy was she right! I went to the fitting room to see which fit me best and the bra felt like two pillows hugging my boobs. I'm sorry I forgot the specific name for the bra but it's really nice.

Well that's it for today's post. Thanks for reading! Have a great day. (✿ ♥‿♥)