Bat You're Eyes...

So last month, my mom bought me fake eyelashes for the first time. I kept them in my make-up bag for the longest time. I was gonna wear them when I got my hair done & I looked all pretty. But since all of this has been happening, I haven't really been to the salon in a while. So I was bored today ( as always) & I decided to try them on. It looks harder than what it seems. It took me almost an hour. But at the end, they looked pretty decent. So I did what any other girl would've done. I took many pictures. Here are a few: 

                                             

                                                        

So yeah.. you can tell that I really like taking pictures. I'm not conceited or anything, but I just like modeling in general. Hopefully when I get my hair done it'll look prettier :) kk byeeeeee!! 

It's just one of those days...

       You ever had one of those days where you're just so bored out of you're mind that you don't know what to do? Lol wordd, I'm going through that right now. That's why I'm writing this right now. So lately, It's been kinda weird without having my dad around. I feel like everywhere I go, I see him. So I just saw teen wolf like an hour and it was AMAZING! I'm like obsessed with that show. It's so addicting! I just wish Genesis (my cousin) would catch up to this season. But hopefully she does. Wow, college is right around the corner. I'm kinda scared because I don't know what's in store for me yet. Every time I go to a new school I'm literally like so shy & I don't talk at all. But I guess I don't have to worry so much cause I have Julie & Anais. But overall, I'm excited. So for the past few days, Genocide has been over my house & we've just been watching a whole bunch movies. Like we watched "Texas Chainsaw" & " The Possession" Now that I'm thinking about it. We've been watching horror movies. Lol. I really want to go over to Erick's house & record a song. If I do this, I want to sing," The Way ~ Ariana Grande" or "Nightingale ~ Demi Lovato" & maybe even, " Body Party ~ Ciara" I think it would be so much fun. Then I could upload it to Facebook & people would be like, " Damn, nice voice." & " You did amazing!" You know? Stuff like that. I really miss my cousins from Michigan. They just made PA a whole lot funner! Now they gone & it's so boring. I've noticed that my mom is always saying that I don't have enough church clothes. But in fact, I actually have A LOT of church clothes. My closet is practically filled with church clothes. Yes, they're kind of old  but I still have a lot. I can't believe it's 1:00. It doesn't even feel like it. Okay, I'm done writing. I'm gonna look at vine videos! Peace.

My week (:

So this week has been kinda sad & overall emotional. But I've learned that family comes first & that family will ALWAYS be there no matter what. The death of my father & Abel has brought my family very close. I'm very happy about that. I just wish Abel & my father were here to share the happiness..

I hope to see you again. 7-17-13

My father told me recently, " Pamela you've lived through two close deaths." I replied, " No, I think there's been more." He finally said," No, first it was it was papa ( my grandpa) &  then Abel." My father was right. I had lived through two major deaths in my life. But my father never knew that he would soon be the third. Words can't express how I am feeling right now. I'm having the same feelings that I had when Abel died but it's ten times worse right now. Never in my wildest dreams had I ever thought that my father would die. I began asking myself, "Why so early?" It had only been a month since Abel died & then this happened. I'm so angry at myself cause I was the last person to see you the night you left for work. You came into the kitchen, ate & drank something then you left. The reason I feel so angry is because I just watched you leave. I didn't even say good bye cause I figured I would see later anyways. If that moment could repeat it's self, I would change so many things. Sometimes I try to imagine how everything must've happened & try to imagine how you look right now. I cant even picture it. The pain that my mother is going through is extremely difficult. I've watched her cry, & call out my dad's name many times.Many people have asked her, " Do you want me to get anything?" Her reply would always be," I want my husband. If I have my husband, everything will be okay." It breaks my heart because my mother literally can't sleep with out my father. Me, my brother, & my grandma will take care of my mom. It's our responsibility. We have no problem with that. I know I will see my father in heaven. I can just feel it. Sometimes I walked in my dad's room while he would be praying & he would ask me for my laptop so he could watch videos of pastor's preaching. My dad was a strong believer & I certainly believe he will be waiting for us at the gates of heaven. Me & Ariel miss you so much. We are proud because you and mami raised us right. Thank you so much for always being there for us. You were the best dad ever. You would always be playing the piano. Sometimes would ask for a back massage or footrub. You may have been quiet most of the time but you were funny & most importantly you loved music. We can't wait to see you again. Rest in peace dad. - 7/17/13

New Poem ❤ By: Pamela Delgado

I get this crazy feeling of rush & excitement. Trying to understand you're words of enlightenment. But I'm stuck in this place & I feel like Cinderella. I try to escape, but damn It's cruel-la. This guy that guy, flirting  like they know me. They don't know my life. They don't see what I see. I'm trapped in a box wrapped in mixed emotions. Tryna break out but it feels like slow- motion. Now every time I close my eyes, I just see your face & when I start to think about it, you just fade away. As I write this poem I'm having a hard time. Cause my thoughts keep racing at tryna make you mine. I know that I'm ready & I have the control. But I'm not always right. God only knows.

Wow! What a surprise..

So a couple days ago, I'm in my room watching videos of this cute guy named Conner Franta. ( He's just gorgeous!) So anyways, I'm watching his videos & my phone starts ringing. & like always before I even pick up my phone, I like to sing along with my ringtone lol. So I picked up my phone & it says "BLOCKED" & I'm like 0.o okay... So I answer the phone & I'm like,"Hello?" & a person with a Mexican accent answers the phone. I'm like, "Who's this?" & they say,"I know who you are Pamela." They continued talking in their fake Mexican accent. I started thinking it was Pancho. So I said," Is this Pancho?" & the person said no.They kept talking & every time I thought it was someone different. I said," Is this Juan carlos or Juancito?" But the person said no. By mistake, the person began talking normally & I immediately knew who the person was. But before I confronted this person I wanted to know why this person even decided to call me. So I said," Okay. Why did you even call me?" & the person replied," Cause I missed hearing your voice." Right then & there I confronted him. " Di'anthony I know it's you." I said. He laughed & said," I'm not Di'anthony." I knew it was him. I was mad because Di'anthony was the type of guy that would do something like this. I began thinking," Why would he call me? To hear my voice?" Why would he need to hear my voice? You have a fucking girlfriend what the hell! Gosh!That's the thing about Di'anthony. He always has tricks up his sleeve. So as he was talking to me, he would murmur things as if I couldn't hear them. Like," You are a good liar & you broke my heart." Wow... Do you honestly think that I'm even gonna pay attention to him. Hell no! I literally cried & was depressed for like a month & a half. I'm not going back to that. Ever again.I have no sympathy for him at all. I begin to remember the day that I was in the car with Brandy & Idalis. & Idalis said," Just know that no guy can come between us." Bitch please. You wasn't saying that when you guys first started dating huh? I dont care what anybody says anymore. I'm doing me. That's it.

"Do you like me or not? smhh"

Is this a stupid question? Do I  like you or not?... Nigga yes I do! I freaking like you so much that I don't listen to any of family members advice when they say to "not fall for you." I like you so much that it literally kills me that I have to be stuck here every freaking day wondering and imagining things about us. It just pisses me off because I've literally answered this question like a million times. & what pisses me off even more is that I feel like... no wait! scratch that. I KNOW that you only text me when your fucking bored.That's some fucked up shit. Cause I know for a fact that I text you because I want to and because I actually miss you. I'm so fucking sorrry that I cant leave my house and when I do it's because I'm doing something important. So sorry that I'm not like other girls in the streets. Cause I actually have responsibilities. I just feel so stressed about everything right now. You, college, getting a job, money, everything is just pissing me off. I wish it could be easier. & my mind It's .... It's just so fucked up that I keep thinking that your not even worth it. Like your just gonna be bored & try to find some other girl to hang out with. Cause you only text me when your bored. & it seems like you don't care. Cause darling... if you cared. If you honestly honestly cared, you would put forth the effort. Don't look at me like I'm the "bad guy." 

I swear I'm worse than Cindy

Why must my mother embarrass me when I'm on the phone? We're literally gonna wake up soon so I don't see the point of sleeping. I mine as well sleep in the car. Trust me, it's gonna be like 19 hours of doing nothing. Plus, I sleep around this time every night anyways so what's the point? Anyways, before I was RUDELY interrupted. I talked to you and boy did I miss your voice. Gosh... I miss you so much. I feel like I'm going crazy everyday cuz I get so mad over everything I see but then I get happy outta nowhere everything I hear your voice or I get a text from you. It feels like a roller-coaster. It's weird. Lol anyways, I was pretty shocked when you said that you were gonna take me to see despicable me on Saturday. I think it was cute that you remembered that I can't do shit on Friday lol. Most people forget. I still feel unsure because I feel like you could be saying all these things to me and be saying these things to another girl to.. You know what I mean? Yeah. Gosh. I feel so embarrassed right now. Like I felt like a little kid. Gosh I hope he didn't hear anything. Ugh.. Don't even know what to think.. ( Thanks a lot mother! Ugh) I just hope he ain't lying about anything. Cause seriously.... I would be SO mad.  You have no idea. All this tearing up for the past 2 days needs to stop.. Gotta be strong even tho I'm weak. So yeahh...

This feeling sucks....

I feel like I'm being played & I just don't have the strength to do anything about it. Cause I don't want to mess anything up. Quite frankly, I would rather have things like this than something worse. I always remember the day that Julie, Ms. Fletcher, & I were all on our way to the boys’ basketball game & I was telling Fletcher about my issues. & she said,” You are just a nice girl Pamela.” The reason why I even remembered that is because I feel like I am too nice with people. It’s not good because I let people walk all over me. Now If I was different… It wouldn’t be so good. I swear today was the perfect day for you to come. But you didn’t.  Why? Were you scared? Were you busy doing something else? Like, I feel so stupid right now. You have no idea. I feel like I’m some big joke. Everyone is telling me to just let you go because it seems like you don’t even care. & sometimes I think about just forgetting you & moving on. But I can’t. I honestly can’t. Just look how mad I was yesterday & in a matter of minutes you changed my mood from being super pissed to super excited. Even though I knew that if you actually came it would be boring in my house. But I didn’t even care because just being around you would mean more to me than anything. My hopes were let down. It was so disappointing. & what made it even worse was that you didn’t text me or anything. Major disappointment. In the back of my head I’m thinking,” well maybe you should text him & confront him about everything you know.” But then I remember you’re single. You can do whatever you want. I can’t stop you from anything. I guess I am weak. What do I do now?

Let me enlighten you with a story..

Once upon a time, there was a young boy who was destined to be something great in life. He was a sweet boy who just wanted to be loved. One day, he began liking a girl. He talked to her and they both started liking each other. But very soon the girl was off to college and the boy started feeling as though he couldn't compare to the older boys in college and he just began thinking that she would eventually forget about him. So the boy completely stopped talking to her and never knew about the girl again. The reason I even mentioned this story is because i honestly think it's so stupid. & plus, I feel like it's happening to me. Yes, I must admit, I am very quick to assume. But tell me this.. If a guy you like just married some random chick on facebook and hasn't talked to you all day & you feel like he's slowly separating himself from you... How would you feel? Like shit right? Exactly. I'm literally so speechless. Like I have no words to explain how I'm feeling right now.I just keep thinking to myself, " Why do I push people away?" Especially the ones that I really care about. It actually sucks a lot. I keep asking myself questions in my head. & My heart beat is abnormally fast. It's like I wanna cry but I don't wanna cry anymore. I don't wanna be a little bitch anymore. So here's a burning question: What do you do next after knowing all of this? I start thinking well maybe if I hung out him more and maybe if i wouldn't have been soo goddamn scared or whatever.. I honestly don't know to think. Cause I'm thinking about future things & then this kinda shit happens. It actually pisses me off. & the worst part is knowing what going on & what's gonna happen & not being able to do anything. I hate it ughh!! I freaking hate it so much. I hate this feeling for real cause he's just gonna be stuck in my head.& best believe I'm not saying anything to anyone in this house. But they'll probably ask me why am I so quite. Cause that's what that kinda shit does to me. Fudge! I really do hate this feeling. The feeling where your mind is spinning with questions, images, & words of hate. The feeling where you feel a lump in your throat and chest burns with sadness. Many girls would probably be like, " I wanna kill myself!" Yeah, I know how they feel. Been there, done that. It's just crazy how someone isn't yours and you can care for them so much. Like I know I don't express myself as much as I want to & it sucks cause I've been dealing with this crap for the longest time. & it still hasn't gone away. I honestly wish I could say how I really feel about everything without feeling like someone might forget about me or whatever. I guess the only time where I can say everything I honestly feel is when I write. & I'm so very sorry that I have a life like Cinderella. Always cleaning and always staying home because I'm not allowed out the house. So sorry that I can't hang out with you when you say " I miss you" or " I wanna see you." & knowing me, I feel like later on I'm probably gonna keep on talking to you & act like I didn't see shit. But you know why I would do such a thing? Its because I care for you a lot. It's because I literally can't go a day without hearing your voice or texting you. It's because your such a mystery & I still haven't figured you out. It's because I love your personality. It's because you give me those (sometimes) annoying butterfly feelings every time you hmu. & honestly... I love it. I miss it.... I miss you.